The Truth About Your Trainer

I don't want to write this. In fact, I've promised to write this for so many days in a row that the fact that I haven't yet & I'm getting disgusted with myself is one of the only reasons that I'm actually sitting and doing it.

If you look at me, I look healthy. I am, in fact, a very healthy-looking person. And I'm probably the healthiest sick person you know.

Someone said that to me the other day, and it stuck. Not in a disempowering way, but like - I could actually start to own and be responsible that I haven't been well.

When did it start?

Could it have been when I was training for marathons, while working 60-70 hours a week?

Could it have been when I was starting my business and ending my engagement, being broken-hearted and homeless for half a year?

Or maybe when I spent 2008 purposely overtraining and dieting, trying to attain the perfect figure competitor's body. Substituting massive amounts of coffee for the carbs I had cut out of my diet I'm sure was a contributing factor. Thank GOD I never got into energy drinks, I can't even imagine the damage that would have done.

In any case, there were a number of years where I took pride in not listening to my body. I called it being disciplined.

Here is the result of that:

I have adrenal fatigue. I have been dealing with various levels of chronic fatigue for the last couple of years. I have good days and not-so-good days, and I still manage to get done more than most people I know, but it's a huge effort. If I push myself too hard, I have a couple of really rough days afterwards. I have a really hard time waking up in the morning, and sometimes literally sleep through my alarms for hours.

I get sick rather easily. I used to NEVER get sick. Now I freak out when clients come in to the gym and have symptoms, because I know that my ability to fight off infection is not really strong.

I have multiple food sensitivities that result in systemic inflammation. Until removing gluten (and coffee, with some "relapses") from my diet last October, I used to wake up EVERY SINGLE MORNING with my joints and muscles so stiff and sore that I couldn't close my hands all the way. I was terrified of being cold, because if I got too cold I would get so sore it would take me hours to recover. It's a LOT better now, but it still takes me longer than it should to recover from a weight workout, and so I don't lift weights a lot anymore.

Another thing that happened, that cutting out gluten & coffee has made a HUGE difference in, was that my menstrual cycle went totally crazy. When I was competing (in figure) I missed a couple periods, when I took my calories really low. I didn't think it was a big deal, happens to lots of female athletes. Then in 2009, I started having all kinds of issues. My cycle wasn't regular, and when I did bleed I would be curled up on the floor for the first 2 days writhing in pain, sobbing & wanting to die. That is not a dramatization.

I stopped participating in my life. I went to work, came home. Sometimes got it together for social gatherings.

I lied to my friends about my health, or didn't tell the whole truth, because I'm "supposed" to be the role model. I'm "supposed" to be the one who has it all together. People look to me to what to do to be healthy.

The lying carried over to other areas of my life & when my relationship started to deteriorate I didn't feel like I could talk about the problems that we were having, and so everyone was shocked when we finally broke up.

So - I'm good at making things look perfect on the outside. The problem with that is that I was miserable on the inside. The problem with that is that people do look to me for what to do to be healthy, and I've been lying.

One of the impacts of this that I saw recently is that when I have conversations with my clients about taking rest days, they don't take me seriously. I haven't told them the whole story.

I'm learning new things, like how to be gentle with myself. That it's ok to have more than 150 grams of carbs in one day. That resting does more for how I look and feel in my body than lifting right now. That I actually need to sleep more than 5 hours a night. That walking-as-exercise isn't for old people and wimps, that it can actually be quite delightful. That I CAN survive and actually feel amazing without my oldest (18 year!) addiction to coffee.

I'm also learning that doing activities to keep my body strong and healthy don't have to look like running a marathon, deadlifting my body weight 30 times, or maxing out on the bench press. It can look like playing on a rock wall or a trapeze, or hiking with a friend on a beautiful day. Or riding my bike to work. Thank GOD for yoga.

I'm learning that I don't have to prove anything. And that why people train with me and look to me for fitness advice is because I actually *am* a great coach, and not because I once leg pressed 500 pounds, or was a figure competitor.

It's because I'm trained to coach and listen in a very particular way, and it gives me insight into how each person can be healthier, not because there's some dogma or cookie cutter program that I'm selling. And I'm committed that my past experiences make a real difference for others. And I freaking love people and have dedicated my life to being of maximum usefulness to those around me. And I appreciate that about myself, finally.

This is just the beginning. I'm getting treated by one of the best holistic nutritionists & chiropractors in the Bay Area, and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But left to my own devices I'll do my version of the protocol I'm supposed to be following, and hide out and not tell anyone anything.

So I'm promising here to keep talking about it.

Even though I don't want to.

Because I am committed to living my life out loud.